see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
