if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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