apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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