he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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