Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
