he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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