I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
