oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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