so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Drunk is not a location!
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
