i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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