I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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