Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You ruined the universe
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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