I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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