happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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