Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my being single is dangerous.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
