mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
