I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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