Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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