It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Randomize
