you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
