FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
