I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
