i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
