I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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