I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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