She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
