I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
