you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
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