mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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