We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Randomize
