Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
