I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
