i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
