I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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