My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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