Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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