The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
