dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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