Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
