what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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