is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Randomize
