I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
