Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Randomize
