someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
