I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
What happened to fro yo and sex?
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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