I just pynch a tree in the face
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
