Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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