Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Randomize
