oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Nicole vs. Life
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
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