I think i peed on brittanys purse
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
