last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
