shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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