we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
