Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
