"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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