i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
