my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
