Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
