Me too!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
