Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I woke up under a house in Key West
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